A CALL FOR ARSON POSSIBLY LINKED TO ANARCHIST GROUP

An underground ritual for embittered hearts is quietly sweeping the nation. Ads on craigslist, in the backs of local newspapers, and subculture ‘zines from coast to coast have called for brokenhearted singles to save their Christmas trees. On the Eve of Valentine’s Day, the lonely are encouraged to take to the streets, set up the trees, and decorate with ornaments sentimental of relationships past. When the clock strikes midnight, participants are being instructed to light the trees aflame, and begin their love lives anew. Loveletters, mixtapes, pictures- anything linked to a past with this person, are to be destroyed according to event guidelines. The highly-controversial event was assumed to be a joke when the first ads (anonymously posted) were circulated in mid-November of 2007. By December 4th, a 2^nd round of ads came out, with a name of sponsorship attached and a proclamation that the event is in fact real and will happen. The Black Hearts Society is an international organization rooted heavily in anarchist and collectivist philosophies. Doc BarbaRojo, the society’s president, called a press-conference, at which he stated “This tree burning will symbolize the people’s disdain for the corporate greed that has infiltrated so many elements of what were once beautiful Pagan traditions.” Some skepticism has arose, and understandably so. Most Police Departments have issued official warnings that any acts of arson, regardless of intention, are a Class B felony and will be prosecuted as such to the full extent of the law. “I mean, we all have our baggage with exes, and Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be the only day we choose to appreciate our loved ones. But seriously- these people are not in touch with reality", voices jewelry designer Ann China. We Believe In Nothing, (WBIN), a Portland-based Nihilist group, claims that the Black Hearts Society was not the original creators of the event. “Those first ads were done by a freak with no ties to a formal organization He is crazy, even by our loose standards. The Black Hearts, lacking in action as usual, liked what they saw and stole the credit”, reported a masked shorter man in a black jumpsuit who calls himself “Sidepony”. These sentiments are not new; there have been a lot of questions surrounding Black Hearts Club activities. Most recently, Saylor Nancyboy was in the media for jumping on the counter of a Long Island Burger King, stripping himself in what seemed to be an erotically-intended dance, and then finally, regurgitating his meal on awe-filled patrons. The Black Hearts Club claimed that the svelt hobo, although a bit grimy, was in fact one of their members committing an act symbolic of his anti-capitalist dogma. When questioned from his cell at Nassau County Jail, Mr.Nancyboy merely began talking incessantly about the difference between energy and matter. The Black Hearts Society has not been officially linked to either the incident with Mr.Nancyboy, nor the christmas tree burning event.

HIPPIES WHO SHOWER DON'T HAVE TO SMELL LIKE THEY DO

Soon hippies will enjoy the freedom to be clean but still smell bad. A new line of shampoo, conditioner, and soap from natural cosmetics company Fawn In The Valley is scheduled to debut February 14th in health food stores around the nation. The products, made of organic and free-trade ingredients, are geared towards new-age consumers who use a standard daily hygene regiment, but want to fit in with a natural scent. Patchouli Pungence contains essential patchouli oil and pebbles from the Agean Sea. Freshly Frankensence contains essence of francensence hailing from the Vatican in Rome and sticks. Naughty Nag Champa has shavings of oyster shells and essence of Nag Champa. Earth Angel, the most anticipated in the product line, is a combination of curry, clove, a dash of onion powder, and exfoliating dove feathers. Prices range from $9.95 for a 4 oz. Body Bar, to $21.95 for Intensive Conditioning Treatment.

(above-Leon Oyosazul can't wait until the products hit the shelves, since he loves to sing reggae in the shower daily but needs to keep up appearances amdist his fellow frenchman)

CONTROVERSIAL PHILADELPHIA JUDGE STARS IN SNUFF FILM

Oh, how sweetly the bell of irony tolls upon our ears. Yesterday, Judge Teresa Carr Deni starred in her first and final role in the snuff film "Shut Up And Die You Bitch". For those of you unfamiliar with the genre, snuff films depict the actual killing of a human being.

In October of 2007, Judge Teresa Carr Deni dismissed rape and sexual assault charges against a man, who is accused of forcing a prostitute at gunpoint to have sex with him and several other men. Dominique Gindraw, the accused, was also charged for similar crimes possibly committed against another victim a few days before. Claiming that since the victim was a sexworker, e judge said that prosecuting for rape in this situation "minimizes true rape cases and demeans women who are really raped". Judge Teresa Carr Deni maintained the charge of armed robbery for theft of services.

Sweet Dee Viscosi, a proud Cunt and advocate for Vaginas Make the World Go Round, goes on the record saying "Well, no one truly deserves to be hacked to pieces solely in the name of art. But I suppose with the viciously wrong precedent that the judge decided to set for women, if a lamb must go to the slaughterblock, so be it".

Today the film will be released by production company KarmaBanditos, and it is expected to bring in top earnings for 2008 due to it's star's high-profile in Philadelphia. The release of the film might also coincide with today, December 17th's International Day To End Violence Against Sexworkers.

http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=3801167&page=1

http://www.swopusa.org/drupal/index.php?q=

HOROSCOPES FOR DECEMBER

Capricorn-if you focus only on your goals, they are all you will be left with at the end of the day

Aquarius- “If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it” ~Mary Engelbreit

Pisces- You are graced with the psychic tendencies of a Pisces…Why not use this to make good decisions instead of easy ones

Aries- OK boss. This is not McDonald’s- you can’t always have it your way.

Taurus- Nice things are nice to have but there are nicer things in life than nice things.

Gemini-Hey Hyde- Jekyl called. It’s been concluded that you are much cooler than he is.

Cancer- Do you hear that? The whambulance is coming for you.. You can stop whining now.

Leo- yes, the world revolves around you. And 6 billion others too, so get over yourself. You are not special.

Virgo- people are people, not machines. Do not hold this against them.

Libra- make up your mind already, and stick to it.

Scorpio- The intense portrayalof sexual prowess you think you possess is not universally apparent to others. Not everyone is waiting to bang boots with you.

Sagittarius-Think before you speak or you will find yourself with a mouthfull of shoes

CALIFORNIA BANS WRAPPING PAPER AT HEIGHT OF XMAS SEASON

A freshly-passed California State law has rekindled hope for in the conservation movement. Bill 706 completely bans the use of mainstream wrapping paper for the 2007 holiday season. Instead, citizens are being urged to use more eco-friendly materials when wrapping gifts, such as newspaper, tin foil, single-ply toilet paper, etc.

Mainstream wrapping paper was pulled from store shelves this week, following 3 days of out-the-door lines of consumers awaiting their last chance for the good stuff. On the final day of wrapping paper sales, deemed “Angry Tuesday” in national news broadcasts, 14 people were mildly injured, 2 were hospitalized, and one died of complications.

Flick Flyfish, a statistical analyst for privately-owned think-tank Interpole, projects that the new ban will create the demand for a black market industry worth upwards of 5 million dollars. “With Mexico’s domestic sales down, and nouveau-Capitalists immigrating here from the former Soviet bloc, there are plenty of criminals who are readying themselves to jump in and make a buck”.

Julia Speaks-to-Feathers, an activist and painter, embraces the bill. “Already, since it’s been in effect, 36 acres of tree farms have been saved. Over the course of the holiday season, we will be saving much more, and slowly lightening our footprints left in the earth”.

WHAT IS KWANZAA AND WHY CRAZYTOWN SHOULD CELEBRATE IT

As the holiday season approaches, so does the mystery of Kwanzaa. Created in 1966 by a well-respected figure in the black community named Ron Karenga, the non-denominational holiday is meant to unite blacks around the world and reconnect them with their African heritage.

A different principle is dedicated to each of the 7 days of Kwanzaa.

· Umoja (Unity) To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation and race.

· Kujichagulia (Self-Determination) To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves.

· Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility) To build and maintain our community together and make our brothers' and sisters' problems our problems and to solve them together.

· Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics) To build and maintain our own stores, shops and other businesses and to profit from them together.

· Nia (Purpose) To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.

· Kuumba (Creativity) To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

Imani (Faith) To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.

Race is not a fiery subject in CRAZYTOWN, but I propose that the above principles are fundamental to a utopia therefore making Kwanzaa a desirable holiday to be celebrated in CRAZYTOWN. For example,

· Unity in the CRAZYTOWN community puts naysayers and Debbie Downers in their place when they try to tell us we cannot exist

· Self-Determination allows us the freedom to define who we are and what we do, while the rest of the world has it decided for them

· Collective Responsibility makes other’s problems ours, in turn, we will not cause others problems

· Cooperative Economics is the basis of CRAZYTOWN finance, since goods and services are rendered for other goods and services and the good faith of others

· Purpose in CRAZYTOWN allows people to reach their full potential in whatever dream they choose to realize

· Creativity is the mother of CRAZYTOWN, and everyone is an inventor

· Faith in CRAZYTOWN, and it’s societal influences

With these tenets, CRAZYTOWN will thrive.

HIGH PROFILE COUPLE ARRESTED; SEX SCANDAL ENSUES

Lupe O'Mullen, of CRAZYTOWN, was arrested this week and charged with lewd and lascivious conduct, indecent exposure, and conspiracy to commit a public sex act. Also arrested and charged was Ronald P. McDonald, of Ohio. A
lawyer spoke on behalf of the couple, proclaiming that all parties are innocent until proven otherwise, regardless of whatever smutty pictures have been circulating on the internet. O'Mullen serves as benevolent dictator, aka Mayor, in the utopia of CRAZYTOWN, and McDonald has enjoyed a career in the entertainment industry. Due to their high-profile professions, their recent courtship has not gone overlooked by the papperazi. Both shall be arraigned at New Paltz Village Court on Wednesday.

A TREE GROWS IN CRAZYTOWN

Money is never a problem in CRAZYTOWN, but if it were, there will soon be a remedy. Part-time scientist/full-time spliff roller Dr.Rainer Rockstarutenhoff is in the developing stages of growing a money tree. The seeds have been planted in an undisclosed location, and will be nurtured with loving care, plenty of sunlight, and beer. Dr.Rockstarutenhoff has chosen seeds that will grow Euros, due to it’s strength over the dollar in foreign markets. Eventually, he hopes to develop hybrids- trees that will grow multiple denominations, from different currencies. If all goes as planned, Dr.Rockstarutenhoff will use the first harvest to finance a luxurious trip to Brasil.

PARADISE TO BE PAVED

Due it’s increasing popularity as a main tourist attraction, Paradise has been suffering from debilitating traffic and parking issues. Each week, thousands flock to the tropical beach town, pleasantly located where the Rio Amigo spills out into the ocean. Since sun-powered cars made their highly anticipated debut last year, gas has become an antiquated and unnecessary element, deeply increasing automobile traffic levels.

“This problem is not going to be solved over night. Construction of a 2-lane highway is currently being planned, but for immediate remediation of the prevalent parking shortages, we will be constructing municipal lots and garages”, Town Supervisor commented.

Yes, Paradise shall be paved. Specifically, a field located behind Paradise Village Plaza on Main Street, which has 5 businesses currently operating within it’s commercial walls. All flora and fauna shall be cut down or relocated, including 8 palm trees, 2 agave cacti, 1 mimosa tree, some birds, and 4 wild cats. Reactions to the paving of Paradise are mixed. Butler Bayclam, proprietor of the Tender&Juicy Gentlemen’s Club, is estatic about the plans. “So many of my customers complain about having to drive around for an hour just to find a parking space on the weekend. Many times, those without the time opt for the bordellos on the northside, losing me and my girls money. Now they can get the bump and grind they came for, hassle-free”. Erin Leo-Coolclothes, of the Plaza’s Make-Your-Own-Crayon Store, sees it differently. “I understand the issue, but putting up another parking lot does not solve the problem. It puts a temporary fix on something that’s more complex. It needs to be addressed in a more wholistic manner with not only the immediate future, but the big picture in mind”.

The construction is scheduled for the end of this month and should be completed in 3 days. The birds who make their home in the field will have to find other trees to nest in, and the wild cats will be available for adoption. Those interested can contact animal experts Jess LightEyes or Minnick Charming, extension 2 at the Crazytown Scorpio Animal Palace.

WEEKEND IN CRAZYTOWN TO BE LENGTHENED

The citizens of CRAZYTOWN will enjoy a 4 day weekend starting in December, rather than the current 3 day weekend. Thursday-Sunday will be extended until Monday. Football is not the most popular sport in CRAZYTOWN, but soon fans will be able to drink as much as they want until whenever they want. The new weekend will make it easier for those who choose to attend the Boardy Barn during the summer, because although the Barn closes at 8pm, getting back up to CRAZYTOWN afterward and waking up the next morning in time for work is too difficult. Everyone likes the plan. ...

Almost everyone. Scotch Wonderbar commutes from Nobullshitville, and is not too pleased. “What the fuck? CRAZYTOWN? More like LAZYTOWN! I don’t know how long I can last in this place, with my German work ethic and all.” Dan Smith, mediator, folk rock star, and life coach, defends the new alteration to the CRAZYTOWN timetable. “All work and no play is no good for CRAZYTOWN’S psyche. People need ample opportunity for leisure and socializing. These are the tenets of a true utopia, after all.”

REFORMED BANDIT WINS TICKET TO HEAVEN

A grand time was had by all at the Annual Fall Pumpkin Ball, but only one went home with the Golden Ticket to Heaven. Chris Macchia was 8^th on line in the much-anticpated Bobbing for Bottles of Baby-Booze Competition, in which first place was a bottle containing a Golden Ticket to Heaven, no questions asked. The conditions of the prize proved to be essential in the end, judging by the winner’s colorful past. Chris Macchia, born Christobal Julio Garcia Makkia, has not lead the most pious path, to say the least. Before his arrival to the CRAZYTOWN region, Macchia lived above the law and below the radar. He left home at 14, in a John Steinbeckesque quest for the meaning of and answer to the common man’s plight. His next few years were spent riding the trains, subsisting on sardine sandwiches and Old Friend Whiskey. Eventually, he was involved in the underground energy supplement trade, smuggling thousands of stolen Canadian caffeine pills across the border monthly. With the money earned, at age 22 Macchia purchased his first of many illicit bordellos in a no-name town in Montana. Years later, he tired from the stresses of proprietorship, liquidated all of his assets, and moved to a ranch on the outskirts of CRAZYTOWN. He now enjoys a life on the straight and narrow, and hosts seasonal camps at his ranch for at-risk, inner-city youth. Some would say that his new leaf alone is enough to get him into Heaven, but just in case, he now holds the Golden Ticket.

WORDS OF THE WEEK

RETOX

1.verb-to replenish the body and soul with alcohol and/or drugs after partying the previous night; does not need to be the same poison used to intoxicate oneself on the previous night. I’m in the mood for a Bloody Mary– let’s retox at Baccus. 2.noun- a place or state of mind one travels to with the aim of replacing a hangover with inebriation. Retox is at Badtrick’s house because he has cable and ample seating.

FECUND

1.adjective-producing or capable of producing offspring, fruit, vegetation, etc. in abundance; prolific; fruitful. That young girl looks rather fecund. 2. very productive or creative intellectually. Only fecund people write fake newsletters.

FASHION MODEL WILL RECIEVE KEY TO CRAZYTOWN

The key to Crazytown is scheduled to be given to Erin SonofThor. A New Paltz Alumni, Erin has been clean and sober for nearly one year. She has also displayed a remarkable turn-around in her dealings with the public and in her outlook on life. Previously, Erin could be found at the nearest hole-in-the-wall bar, scowling at people for enjoying themselves. Pulling all-nighters (or frequent 4-dayers) often contributed to Erin’s manner of hostility and lack of people skills. Exactly how she managed to work in a customer-service related field at all continues to allude the nation’s finest scholars.

Somewhere along the way, complete sobriety snuck in under Erin’s radar, and with the aid of magic spells and meetings, her new leaf remains unturned. In addition to her sobriety, Erin savors life, like delectable cuisine. Having always been an athlete, she maintains the lifestyle of a serious outdoorswoman. Occasionally, she awakes at 7 to run up mountains, then coaches a swim team, then gardens, and on the weekends she guides whitewater rafting tours . She skis as much as possible, is on the path to receiving her MBA, and in her spare time reads mystery books. Even Erin’s wardrobe has changed, perhaps due to her part-time job as a fashion and lifestyle model. Gone are the days of her only wearing tye-dye men’s teeshirts and other attire purchased on her journeys to the Isle of Lesbos. Having been brought to concerts all her life by her Deadhead parents, the hippie in her has not disappeared, but it has matured. She can occasionally be seen wearing fashionable (but not too fashionable) and feminine (but not too feminine) outfits. Pink was a sin to be scoffed at with the old Erin, but Erin the new dons it with a smile.

“It is of the utmost honor and privilege to be nominated…. “ a beaming Erin said when asked for comment. The will be handed over by Crazytown Mayor Lupe O’Mullen.

NEWS IN BREIF

Luxembourg- Authorities have announced a complete ban of polka dots. A court case in Square City has ruled that the roundness of typical polka dots results in unrest and hostility amongst it’s citizens. The ban, to go into effect on the 8^th of your favorite month, is expected to solve the municipality’s long-standing sewage problems. Recently, a similar ban was instituted in Jamaica, with aim to promote a more hetero-friendly fashion couture.

District of Columbia– The International Bartendering Coalition has chosen the recipient of it’s prestigious 2008 teaching fellowship. Mixmaster Jenna Tic-Tac-Correo of San Diego was chosen from 2 million applicants, based on her expert bottle flair, savvy wit, and all-around awesomeness. A former resident of New Paltz, NY,. Ms.Tic-Tac Correo will be traveling worldwide, educating both professional and amateur mixologists in her field. Accompanying her will be translator Nicole D. Heck of the Boston Lingustics Ltd.

Rhode Island– Pending on the state congress floor is Bill 678, affectionately known to some as the “Florida Anti-Produce Act”, proposes a gradual phase-out of Florida orange imports. There are a few driving forces behind this controversial piece of bipartisan legislation. “Geneticially modified foodstuffs have crept their way into every aspect of our diet. Florida has the highest percentage of GMO’ed produce, particularly in regards to their orange crops. We have other options for our food outsourcing, and it is our liberty to pursue them”, comments Luke Westhampton. He is the executive director of Safety in the Kitchen (S.I.N.K.) one of the many non-governmental organizations backing the bill. Assemblywoman Margaret Freckleando believes the bill goes beyond health concerns of his constituents. “Rhode Island upholds the tenants that are vital to sustaining democracy. The state of Florida continually undermines democracy through its highly corrupt electoral process. It habitually disenfranchises the African American population. To support Florida’s economy means supporting an infrustructure based on racism and classism.” The vote is scheduled to be held in 2 weeks.

HELICOPTER FOUND

On Tuesday, while snozzberry-picking near the 6th Hidden Lake, Lupe O’Mullen discovered a helicopter. Abandoned in a meadow, “the helicopter appears to be the property of a private citizen, and not of a domestic or foreign military or government,” authorities reported. The report continued to surmise that the helicopter had been resting in that location for a while, judging by the years of overgrown weeds and bramble.

County statute requires 2 weeks for lost items worth $100 or more to be claimed. Details as to what the helicopter looks like, and what was found inside are being kept confidential as to prevent fraudulent lost and found claims. If the claimage process is not completed, ownership will be given to Ms.O’Mullen, and a new title of ownership will be drawn up. Ms.O’Mullen could not be directly reached for comment due to her demanding part-time careers as restaurant critic and Mayor of Crazytown, but those closest to her have confirmed that she lights a candle each night, prays to the Ladies of Luck, and has many plans waiting if the helicopter goes unclaimed.

POLICE BLOTTER

Violence was just one of the many themes of the day at a Libertyville stag party on Saturday. Jason Scaryscorpio was not apprehended following an incident of olive-oil bottle throwing. The bottle landed at the mouth of 31 year-old victim Patrick Pashka. Fortunately, no critical injuries were suffered, but Mr.Pashka’s front tooth was knocked loose. Mr.Pashka, a well-known Interpretive Dance Artist in the Hudson Valley Region, had to take the evening off and cannot fully return to work until visiting to his dental provider. The incident is considered by some to be a hate-crime due to the nature of Mr.Pashka’s employment. A criminal investigation is pending.

A late-night skirmish between old friends ensued at a private residence on Chesnut Street. Jennae Strawberrymane and Christophe Saylorina engaged in an intensely vicious struggle over nothing. At two separate yet quintessential moments, Ms. Strawberrymane triumphed over Mr.Saylorina, despite his desperate efforts, which included beating her for a few minutes with a pool ball in his hand. No arrests have been made, but Mr.Saylorina has humbly enrolled in Tai-Bo Classes at Long Beach Fitness.

Courtney LePremier was ticketed in violation of the County Coolness Code. The code has specific limitations on the amount of coolness an individual can exhibit in one evening. Ms.LePremier, a habitual violator of the code, was given her 6th warning after an overly pleasant evening at a local watering hole. If she does not shape up her calm and rational ways, Ms.LePremier faces mandatory Uncool classes, to provide her with counseling and anxiety training.

LOCAL BOY ROBBED

If you met Evan Chalek today, you would see an feebly lanky young man with a fresh strapping crewcut and a grism. Why the down face? Evan is the victim of theft, and not just any theft- someone stole his his hair. After a calm night with Michelob ultra light and an Everyone Loves Raymond marathon on TBS, Evan slipped into slumber on the couch of his Brookside Road residence. 9 hours lalter, he awoke, went into the bathroom, did his business, and soon realized his long and lustrous dreadlocks had been cut off. Each and every one of them. Upon searching his home, Evan realized nothing of value had been taken besides his dreadlocks and 2 Yankee hats.

“I just don’t get it”, Evan said while holding back tears. “What would they want with my hair? Who would do this to someone?”

Stories like Evan’s may seem strange but are not rare. In December of 2006, 3 eerily similar incidences were reported in Woodstock. A week prior to Evan’s meeting with misfortune, West Hurley landscape artist Sarah Juniper was victimized in a similar fashion. In addition to dreadlocks, the thief made off with $58 worth of discontinued merchandise from Bath and Body Works. “That’s what pains me the most”, Sarah confessed. “My dreadlocks can grow back, but they don’t make Cool Citrus Basil products anymore. You can’t even find them on Ebay. I will track that f%cker down with my nose.”

Police reports have been filed for all incidents.

7th ANNUAL SLAVE AUCTION

San Karmalot will be having it’s annual Indentured Servant Auction on October 15th. The bidding begins at 10 US cents. Those to be auctioned have been convicted of working undercover as soldiers in the racist and familial genocide deceitfully referred to as the War on Drugs.

The auction will be held at the That’s A Bitch Bar and Grill at 3pm. Light refreshments and cocktails are available and included in the price of the ticket. Proceeds will go to the pharmacology scholarship foundation. The Auction, in it’s 7th year, is a favorite looked forward to by many in the area. Although slavery is illegal in nearby Crazytown, a successful grassroots movement lead by Verbronzica Stallion resulted in indentured servitude being permitted on the weekends.